What I see...

When you look at this photo what do you see? Do you notice that it is unfocused? Do you see all the clutter of my living room? Or maybe you just see a "disabled" child?

I am sure there are so many different view points from each of you. I wanted to share what I see when I look at this photo.

I see.........

Determination
Hard Work
Long hours in a Physical therapy exam room
Tears of Pain
Tears of Joy
Sleepless nights
Surgery
Hope
A Future
Independence
Quality of Life

I see Movement!

I have so many pictures of James being held in place or standing up for a split second while I snap and quick as I can. But I don't have many pictures of MOVEMENT! Pictures where you can see all the hard work he has put into making his body work. Yes, he has a long way to go but pictures like this PROVE that he is on his way. All the work is not for naught. It has all be for a reason . He is moving and it is beautiful!

Jesus' word will find you

For Christmas we got James a Veggie Tales devotional book for little boys. It was one of those stocking stuffers that I hoped he would like after we got into the routine of it but never expected him to really notice it. It has no pictures or colors. The wording is actually written a little old for James but the lessons are good. Christmas night we read our first devotional. It is important to Josh and I both that James grow up with a thirst for Christ.

I was shocked at how attached James has been over this book. He calls it his Bible book and has cried every night because I wont let him sleep with it. I love that he loves it but to be honest I think God has put such a love for it in James for me. I have been struggling with staying optimistic and focused on James positive recovery. We have hit a platue and I see so many other children that have had the SDR now starting to take independent steps or other big milestones that James hasnt reached yet. And it has been frustrating for me. It has been 3 years now that I have been a mother of a child with special needs and you would think that I have learned not to compare James to other kids by now but I havent. James is also having some new physical struggles in PT. His left foot has turned inward at a 90 degree angle and it is really keeping him from walking. He is so frustrated and that is just a domino affect on the rest of therapy. His water therapy has been canceled and I really think that has a LOT to do with his new tightness. I am going to pick up the slack by taking him myself to a pool each week until his therapist returns.

Getting back to my original point. While going through James' little nightly devotionals God has really spoke to me. The past 3 devotionals have been about frustration and having a happy spirit. I just find it beautiful that God can give you want you need even through Larry the tomato! And today we were given another reason to be happy. James stood independently without his walker or holding one to anything or anyone for 10 whole seconds! It was beautiful!

Next week James will be adding some de-rotation cords to his cute outfits. The Pt department thinks that with stretching and these cables we might be able to fix this new issue without surgery. James will have to wear these cables all the time for awhile so please say a prayer that they wont be too uncomfortable and that they will ease his frustration.

Merry Christmas

From the Pollard family to your family I want to wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas through a photographers eyes

For those of you that dont know I have a growing photography studio . I love it! I love that I get to be my own boss, make my own schedule and do what I LOVE to every week. There are a few slight draw back to it though.

#1 Being that my own son is so sick of having his picture taken and being my model that anything that remotely looks like camera he looks down and refuses to look up. I think I might be causing him a complex LOL

#2 My poor family is always the last to get our Christmas card pictures done. In fact this year I just grabbed my camera and through something on James in our living room. (oh the photography shame!)

#3 I have become computer blind! I have stared at this computer screen so much that I might be going crazy. I have made so many Christmas cards and orders that I am seeing jingle bells and holly leafs in my sleep!

Now dont get me wrong, I am SO happy that my business has taken off so much that I can even say that I am remotely busy. I just will be happy to have all these orders done and spend some Christmas time with MY family. Dare I say that I might even break out my camera for some non work pictures!!
woohoo!

Looking Back

Every year as I take down my Christmas Tree I am spend the time in prayer and thoughts about what the New Year will hold for our family. This year though as I was putting up my tree I reflected on the past 6.5 years. Now my tree will never win a decorating award and it certainly is NOT a "show" tree. It is the kind of tree I grew up with. A mix of 1st ornaments, mother's day gifts, macaroni art, and teacher gifts my parents brought home from school each year. Every once in a while mom would bring home an ornament from a special trip.

My Tree is no different. I like to think of it as a Hodge-podge of memories from each year. Each ornament I put up a think about when and where I got it. Some ornaments mark places we have been.

Some places like this one from St. Louis, will always remind me of James SDR surgery. Last year we were celebrating Christmas with a child that could barely sit up on his own and we had just been told that he would be wheelchair bound. But this year, after St. Louis, we are celebrating with a child that is walking to the playground at school in his walker!!

Some ornaments are homemade and make me think about the bright eyed children that spent a Saturday making such sweet gifts for me. I care for these just as gently as any store bought ornament.

There are a few ornaments that just make me LAUGH!! For a few years at thanksgiving ( when puff paints were all the rage) My family had a craft that we all worked on. Some years it was a quilt that we would all sign. and over the year when we realized that boyfriends and girlfriends come and go and that it looks odd to have larger puff paint smear by a name ;-). We moved on to ornaments. This was my 2005 creation! Now in my defense we were making "silly" ornaments......Silly isnt the word that I describe this one as now ( it is in the back of my tree)

And in keeping with my childhood tree, I have many ornaments from my days as a K teacher.

This is the ornament that I always let Josh hang. It was given to us by his grandparents. We dont see his side of the family very often and they arent involved in James' life, which is very sad, but it is our reality. But these ornaments remind me of better times.

And then there are the ornaments that mark time. Time in our lives that might be sad and overwhelming but remind me to live my life looking to my Savior. Some of my ornaments are the only connection James will have to Josh's Father since he passed away just a few months before James was born. This ornament was one that BJ ( Josh's father) would always hang on the tree. He would come over to watch me put the tree up and I would force him to put at least one ornament on the tree. And this was the one

Then there the ornaments that reflect our life with James. Oh how I LONGED for these ornaments to hang from my tree. Not just a symbol of a heartbreak that will never be here on earth but one that celebrated LIFE. And boy does he have many! 6 as a matter of fact ;-) This is my favorite. James was just 2 week out of the NICU and 6 weeks old. He was still SOOO very tiny that Santa held him in just the palms of his hands and just lifted him up to his face. his outfit was just huge on him too . I just think it is so cute and I love it!

Sometimes I think back to those days and I just wish I could tell myself to slow down and enjoy it more. I wish that I could tell myself that the next few years are going to be the hardest of your life but not to worry because they will also be the BEST years of my life too. I would tell myself to deal with my guilt earlier than I did and to not let it rob me of the GIFT I had been given in James.

So there you have it! This was my stream of consciousness as I was putting up my tree for 2010 Christmas.