Being Real and Raw

So this is a post that I never planned on writing or sharing outside my family. The reason for that was that I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I grew up being told to "rub some dirt on it" literally and emotionally. Now don't get me wrong my parents were loving and always there for us, but when you grow up with a football coach there is a certain toughness expected. Some may say that this is my airing my dirty laundry, but I think this issue is swept under the rug and that makes people feel shame. I won't feel shame anymore

I was hospitalized for and emotional breakdown.


There it is out and said. They call is care giver  burnout. For me it began weeks earlier, I had been short with my husband and becoming angry over the silliest things. I didn't recognize that these things were more than just our  "normal" stress of life. Last Sunday, I became dizzy, I couldn't stay awake and I was showing signs of a stroke. I went in to the hospital and they thought  I was having a stroke. Every test run, all clear. I began to be confused and not even know that I was in the hospital for myself. I was convinced that James had been hospitalized . It was terrifying. It was also embarrassing to be told that you were not making sense. It scared us all.

As that day and the next day went by, it was clear that my brain and body had just had all it could take. It was protecting me by forcing me to stop. I don't remember all of the time during those days honestly. I was told that I was talking out of my head trying to find James. I do remember feeling so scared that I wasn't being told that James was hospitalized. The panic attacks were horrible, and still are (but getting better). Behavioral Health and my family doctors wanted me to go inpatient, but it was decided that being separated from the children would cause more stress. So I agreed to come home as long as family and friends were here to help me. It has taken but until Tuesday of this week to even begin to feel like myself. But I can happily say that I can see the inch of daylight under the door.

Being home has not been easy either. I have had moments were I have snapped at my family who are helping, and the husband that loves me. I am so thankful that the people that stayed with me understood that I was hurting and loved me through it. Sunday School and friends have brought meals and held me together ( I owe some serious lunch dates to many). But not everyone has stood by me, and I may even loose friends because of this post. I feel sharing this is more important that my pride. People think that I am some sort of superwoman. I have been the rock that everyone has broken themselves against for so long. It has scared some that I am not as "strong" as they thought I was. Yesterday someone I loved told me that I had brought all this on myself because I never ask for help and that means I am less. They told me that I am weak because I have gotten to where I needed this help. They told me I was unfit. They kicked me when I was down.  But God has taught me something.....

Everything is used for good.

About a month ago, I was crying out to to God to help me understand my son. I didn't understand how his anxiety and panic attacks could cause him to be a different child in a split second. I didn't understand how he could lash out and be so angry or obsess over one thing for days. I begged God to give me a way to understand. I truly feel that God allowed me to break so that I could understand my son. Yesterday was a stressful day for our family. He witnesses someone he loved say and act in a way that scared him. That caused James to have panic attacks all day. As I was holding him in the quite of his room and he was screaming and crying at the top of his lungs, God spoke to me. Softly and quietly He said, This is why. You needed to feel it to understand it.

The peace that filled me what indescribable. It didn't mean that I was "fixed" and it didn't mean that James was "fixed" ( even though he did fall asleep in my arms as we prayed) What it did mean, was that I found His peace in my darkest time. I had been looking for people to make me feel better. I had forgotten that God promised to never leave me, even in the storm and even when I couldn't see Him. God gave me this gift of pain.

I know now that I DO have to take better care of myself physically ans mentally. I have to allow others in and be ok with things not always being done how I do them. I have to let go. Because if I don't learn to do this for myself, how will I be able to teach James and RJ.

This is not a weakness. This is not shameful and I will no longer be ashamed. Instead I have decided to share and show everyone that God allows us to breaks sometimes and it doesn't mean that He isn't there. I means that he is trying to teach and show us something, we just have to be willing to not be prideful and look for it.

RJ is ONE!!

Im not sure how a year goes by so fast but this one did. Today Robert Jerome officially turned one year old. He is such a ray of sunshine in this family. We all truly adore him. His big brother the most. They are so perfect for each other. James adores and protect him and RJ spurs James to try new things.

Our adoption story is pretty unique and we are so blessed that it happened to us. I have enjoyed our little surprise baby and cant wait for this new year to unfold. I took him to my studio today for some picture fun. Ill let you enjoy his cute face now :-)

Stay-Cation 2015 and Birthday

This was a very bust week in our house. Josh and I have been planning to take one of his vacation weeks and be home. He has not stayed a full week at home since James was born. So a Stay-Cation was needed, and it was wonderful. We planned it to go along with our towns Restaurant week since we are foodies. We ate and played and then ate some more.

We are started off the week with a bang. We had RJ's baby dedication and birthday party on Sunday. The party sort of grew on me and final total was 45 guests!! But everyone had a wonder time. Josh made his famous BBQ . the kids swam and James jumped himself silly in the moonbounce. RJ didnt quite know what to think of everyone but he sure enjoyed the cake.

The theme was hot air balloons. Since we first learned that we were going to be adopting RJ, hot air balloons have been his symbol. They make me think of the verse in James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift comes from above....  We have used that Has RJ's life verse and during his baby dedication our church read it to him. It was really special for us and I hope it will be for him one day.

The pictures above is my sweet baby RJ's Baby Dedication portrait I took in our backyard. Isnt he beautiful!!

The boys have enjoyed having daddy home and so have I. Tomorrow ( monday) will be a sad day as we go back to the real world . This will also be our last day of "summer" vacation. Sept 1st starts our homeschool year! I cant wait to get started officially. We are following the relaxed/unschooling method as we learn what works for James and our family.

Below are just some random pictures I took with my phone this week that I want to remember. I have recently become interested in hummingbirds and this little guy was my first to come visit my new feeder.

I LOVe putting things to together ( no really I do)

 James got a new haircut over the week. And he looks so grown!!

Baby boy has the CUTEST curls and I dont think I will ever be able to bring myself to cut them!!

Thanks for reading my randomness :-)

Coming back to blogging

Hello again......

Well I  have gone back and forth with what to do with this blog for awhile now. I finally realized that this is my safe place. I need a place to put my thoughts and feelings. I need a release and this is the best place for it. Facebook and Instagram and fun and all but I seem to get into trouble more often than not. This blog is something that people have to want to come and read. It isnt just in their news feed. So here I am.

This year past year has been full of BIG changes for our family, and this coming up year will be no different. We are always on the go and have something going on. Im going to try my best to wrap it all up into one post so I can just move on to blogging about our lives again,

Last year....

Our family was blessed beyond measure with this little guy. We got the privilege of seeing him come into this world and he has never been without us. This is little guy has healed placed in my heart that I never knew were broken. His adoption was a surprise to use but not to God. We only had 4 weeks to get ready for him and he is just wonderful. I cant believe it but we are about to celebrate his 1st birthday in just a few weeks. It makes me so very sad that this tiny baby stage goes by so fast. We have soaked him in and James is just the best big brother. He is crazy about RJ just like we all are.

James has had some really big changes this year as well. Public school was not the right place for James for many reasons. His pre-k and kindergarten years were really good. He has ups and downs like all kids but the difference is, the people around him had high expectations for him. We didnt have that going into his first grade and because of that he did not thrive. In fact he lost a lot of skills physically and academically. I struggle with a lot of hard feelings with that school and the administration, but that wont help James. I  am sure one day when Im ready to write it all down, I will share but right now the wound is still fresh.

We move forward! James will be home-schooled and I am finally feeling excited about it. My plan for this blog is to be a place to share our homeschooling journey. I am discovering that there is little to NO resources about homeschooling a child with multiple disabilities. James is a complicated little guy but what kid isnt. He is smart and has the ability to succeed in this world, if given the chance. I know that it wont always be rosy, Lord knows we are familiar with this sensation. Like always, I plan on sharing the good with the bad. I hope that someone that is in the same situation, will fine support. 

Our family has moved to a new home. With the addition of another child, we needed more space very badly. I loved our little home. With all the medical equipment and baby toys, we just ran out of room. God always provides though. We were able to find the perfect house for our family very quickly. It has the space we need and even has a pool. It is wonderful to have a place for James to get independent physical exercise. He is a fish!

We have had a few set backs this year. With the emotional toll that school took on James, we have struggled to bring him back. The stress and anxiety he experienced has made him very much against learning of any kind. We have a lot of work to build back the confidence that was so shattered. We are working with a psychologist and psychiatrist to help James be able to deal with his anxiety disorder along with his physical limitations caused by his dystonia and CP. He will get there and we are going to provide whatever he needs to be the best James he can be.

Physically James has reached a stage where we are waiting on his desire to be more independent. As the years move along, we have learned that pushing our wants and desires on James, only causes everyone frustration. James has to want it for it to be something that is successful. And I no longer want to be the Drill Sargent  in his life. I want our relationship to be about me lifting him up and being a cheerleader not making him feel like he is never enough. I think I fell into that trap to some degree. I found myself being happy for physical milestones and then instantly thinking of the next one and how we were going to accomplish it. In that process, I taught James that he was never enough. I wont do that anymore. If James never takes an independent step, I want him to know without a doubt that I think he is awesome. Of course I would love to see him be independent but only because I know that certain things in life will be easier if he does. But it isnt my life, this is James's life and I have to let him live it. I am Mamma and my job is to build him up and be his soft place to fall in this cruel world. So I will be patient and allow James to discover how he needs to navigate this world physically. We do a small amount of structured PT and that is done in the water because he likes it. We do continue to do our yearly intensive physical therapy because that can be done in a camp like way through play. 

Those are the 2015 highlights. I hope those of you that still read blogs enjoyed this little update and continue to follow us.

 * Photo credits Bookout Studio for first 3 images on post