Being Real and Raw

So this is a post that I never planned on writing or sharing outside my family. The reason for that was that I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I grew up being told to "rub some dirt on it" literally and emotionally. Now don't get me wrong my parents were loving and always there for us, but when you grow up with a football coach there is a certain toughness expected. Some may say that this is my airing my dirty laundry, but I think this issue is swept under the rug and that makes people feel shame. I won't feel shame anymore

I was hospitalized for and emotional breakdown.


There it is out and said. They call is care giver  burnout. For me it began weeks earlier, I had been short with my husband and becoming angry over the silliest things. I didn't recognize that these things were more than just our  "normal" stress of life. Last Sunday, I became dizzy, I couldn't stay awake and I was showing signs of a stroke. I went in to the hospital and they thought  I was having a stroke. Every test run, all clear. I began to be confused and not even know that I was in the hospital for myself. I was convinced that James had been hospitalized . It was terrifying. It was also embarrassing to be told that you were not making sense. It scared us all.

As that day and the next day went by, it was clear that my brain and body had just had all it could take. It was protecting me by forcing me to stop. I don't remember all of the time during those days honestly. I was told that I was talking out of my head trying to find James. I do remember feeling so scared that I wasn't being told that James was hospitalized. The panic attacks were horrible, and still are (but getting better). Behavioral Health and my family doctors wanted me to go inpatient, but it was decided that being separated from the children would cause more stress. So I agreed to come home as long as family and friends were here to help me. It has taken but until Tuesday of this week to even begin to feel like myself. But I can happily say that I can see the inch of daylight under the door.

Being home has not been easy either. I have had moments were I have snapped at my family who are helping, and the husband that loves me. I am so thankful that the people that stayed with me understood that I was hurting and loved me through it. Sunday School and friends have brought meals and held me together ( I owe some serious lunch dates to many). But not everyone has stood by me, and I may even loose friends because of this post. I feel sharing this is more important that my pride. People think that I am some sort of superwoman. I have been the rock that everyone has broken themselves against for so long. It has scared some that I am not as "strong" as they thought I was. Yesterday someone I loved told me that I had brought all this on myself because I never ask for help and that means I am less. They told me that I am weak because I have gotten to where I needed this help. They told me I was unfit. They kicked me when I was down.  But God has taught me something.....

Everything is used for good.

About a month ago, I was crying out to to God to help me understand my son. I didn't understand how his anxiety and panic attacks could cause him to be a different child in a split second. I didn't understand how he could lash out and be so angry or obsess over one thing for days. I begged God to give me a way to understand. I truly feel that God allowed me to break so that I could understand my son. Yesterday was a stressful day for our family. He witnesses someone he loved say and act in a way that scared him. That caused James to have panic attacks all day. As I was holding him in the quite of his room and he was screaming and crying at the top of his lungs, God spoke to me. Softly and quietly He said, This is why. You needed to feel it to understand it.

The peace that filled me what indescribable. It didn't mean that I was "fixed" and it didn't mean that James was "fixed" ( even though he did fall asleep in my arms as we prayed) What it did mean, was that I found His peace in my darkest time. I had been looking for people to make me feel better. I had forgotten that God promised to never leave me, even in the storm and even when I couldn't see Him. God gave me this gift of pain.

I know now that I DO have to take better care of myself physically ans mentally. I have to allow others in and be ok with things not always being done how I do them. I have to let go. Because if I don't learn to do this for myself, how will I be able to teach James and RJ.

This is not a weakness. This is not shameful and I will no longer be ashamed. Instead I have decided to share and show everyone that God allows us to breaks sometimes and it doesn't mean that He isn't there. I means that he is trying to teach and show us something, we just have to be willing to not be prideful and look for it.