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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Hi!

A friend reminded me today that I have not posted in awhile , so I am going to attempt a post tonight. I havent posted because I feel like all I do is whine on here lol! And I guess I do a lot of the time. But this is my place to let it all down and out. This is my refuge from the "happy face" that I sometimes I have to force on myself.  Things have just been pretty difficult and I am struggling to get all those hats in the air.

I want to make a post that shares all that James is doing right now but honestly we have hit a wall with PT. And this wall is very scary to me. We are in the postion of yet again watching other children pass by James in milestones in walking. Other SDR children reaching those milestone and getting news that I so desperatly wanted to hear. I am of course beyond thrilled for their families because they too have worked so very hard to reach these milestone but James and I just cant ever seem to climb this dang wall. We get close and I know that if any kid can do it my James can. I am just tired. I am tired of always fighting and scratching just to just to watch from the sidelines. God what is the plan? Can I just get a glimpse of the playbook?

Why cant it be just a little easy, just for one day. I dont want to cause my son pain everyday anymore. I dont want to stretch his little sweet legs and listen to him scream and telling me that it hurts and "Mommy please stop" I dont want to spend my life in a physical therapy office and I certainly dont want James to spend his childhood there. There HAS to be a balance here. I just HAVE to see some sort of light at the end of this tunnel.

I am 32 years old and I have to have hernia surgery next week because of lifting a wheelchair everyday of my child. That  is just not what I thought it was supposed to be and I have to find the balance that God has for me. I am not always the strong Mamma Bear and please know that I love my son just the way he is. I truly do! God has blessed me with a sweet loving child that has more determination that I do. I just have to find my boot strap and start pulling myself out of this pity party. Cause this party SUCKS and doesnt have cake!

In that spirit I will end on a silly James story!  I am working with James and trying to teach him how to take his clothes on and off. So this night he got the bottom ofhis shirt over his head and it got stuck ( and like any good mother I ran for my cell phone to take a pictures) I snapped a picture and as I did James sneezed. He always thinks that is funny but this time he really was laughing. I asked what was so funny and He said " My boogers bounced back in my nose" :-) Silly Goose!

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