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Thursday, January 26, 2012

What could have been

This week has been bitter sweet. Sweet because James is making such wonderful progress after his surgery. We are so very blessed that he is doing so well. But there is a little bit of sadness for me this week. Those of you that have been reading for a little while will remember that back on August I posted about another miscarriage that Josh and I suffered. Well this week is the due date week. I have struggled dealing with the emotions of losing this pregnancy and baby. I was doing well until I started to get in the mail infant formula and other promotional "gifts" from companies that I had signed up with online.

 I have 3 cans of infant formula lined up on my kitchen counter and every time I walk by them my heart hurts. But I just cant seem to move them out of sight. Weird I know, but I feel that the sadness of this loss is all I have left so I don't want to just brush it aside. Not sure if that is healthy thing but that is where I am right now.  I just think about how different our life would be if my body didn't betray me like this. We would be getting ready to welcome a brother or sister into the house for James and I think he would be so excited. But instead I am just left with cans of formula that will never be opened.

I am going to try and find some good use for them this week. I need to know that they will go to some use. Hopefully I can find a family that can use them or an organization that needs them. I just think it would fill this hole if I knew that they wont just sit on my counter and ruin.

4 comments:

Michelle Karr

(((Hugs))) Praying for you!!!

Denise :)

Love you, darling girl. :)

Sarah

I'm so sorry, Mary Ellen and wish it could have been different too. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers this week as you pass this milestone. May God's grace surround you and give you perfect peace. Lots of love, Sarah

Jocelyn

I was thinking about your sweet baby recently, Mary Ellen. I wasn't sure when you were due, but I figured it was coming up. I'm so sorry. I remember the ads on my Facebook all being about babies when Everett died. I would close the ads, but Facebook wouldn't let me without giving a reason. One day I just typed, "My baby died and I don't want to see these baby ads anymore." I didn't see anymore after that. One more reminder of the unfairness of the whole situation. You are in my prayers.

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