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How can two little letters hold so much in their grasp. As Mommies we say it all day. "No hit, Not don't eat that, No we cant watch 24 episodes of Blues Clues in a row" I hear those two little letters coming out of my mouth probably hundreds of times each day but they have never held so much fear to me.

In 2 weeks from today we will hear yes or no on James' SDR surgery. 2 weeks from today a physical therapist and and a world renowned neurosurgeon with make a judgement on my son. They will test, and stretch and do whatever it is they need to do to deem him "worthy" of this possibly life changing surgery. Then they will say yes or they will say no. My life feels like it is on hold until I hear one of the two.

Josh , James and I are still going about our day like everything is normal, but inside I keep thinking "What if they say no" What will I do with those words? How will I make the new plan. WHAT is that new plan? Will I be able to breath after hearing that word. Of course outwardly I tell everyone that we have been told that James is a perfect candidate. Everyone one of our therapist have told us that this will be great for James and that they don't see any reason that they would say no. But on the inside the fear of those two letters is eating me up. I know that fear is not of the Lord and I have been trying my best to give this up but I am struggling with it.

What happens to us after no? What happens to James after no?

Those two letters are burned into my soul right now. I just cant seem to escape from them and the fear of hearing them. I know that we will move forward and that no is NEVER the end for James. Josh and I have been told no many times.

" No, you will not be able to have children"

"No, your child will not be coming home with you from the hospital"

" No, your child will not develop like other children"

"No, Your child is not allowed to come to daycare here because he is disabled"

"No, you child will not walk"

How I despise that word NO!!!


So, I although I am terrified to hear this judgement I know that if we do hear no it will not be the end for us. I have faith that God has a plan and my prayer is that I will be strong enough to handle the No's in not only my life but also in James'.

Every mother wants their child's life to be paved with yes, but that is not the path God has chosen for James. I just hope that I am strong and wise enough to show James that no does not define you it only makes you stronger.