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Monday, October 25, 2010

My Anger Vent

Warning I am having a pity party today! You were warned...
















Today is just one of those days that I allow myself to feel bad. I try to do too many of these or at least I try not to stay in them for too long. About a year after James was born I realized that I needed some counseling to deal with the guilt I have over James' condition. During that counseling I learned that guilt and grief is very cyclical. I think I had been told that before but when you are so frustrated that you can seem to "graduate" from one of the stages it is good to have a counselor remind you that you are "normal" ( whatever that is) So that means that you can find yourself in acceptance and be trucking along with life and the BAM! you are smack dab in the middle of anger. Or at least that is where I find myself today. So here goes I am going to vent what I am angry about in hopes that it will make me feel better.

I am angry that people stare and my child! He is not some side show that you have permission to gaulk at as we try to grocery shop or buy a Halloween costume.

I am angry that it is ME that has to make others feel comfortable when their children stare. YES! children are curious but it is YOUR responsibility as a parent to use that moment to teach them manners and about tolerance.

I am angry that people feel that it is OK to just walk up to me and ask "what is wrong with him" I just want to scream at them "How rude! What is wrong with YOU"

I am angry that parents let their children come up and asks me why James is in a wheelchair and they just sit there and wait for an answer too. Dont use your children as pawns to ask rude questions you really want to know as well.

I am angry that I missed all those milestone moments that other moms gets. I read posts about them and it just kills me that I wont get those moments

I am angry that I have to worry about will James ever be able to live on his own.

I am angry that I have to be the "bad" mommy and cause my son pain

I am angry that my son is caused pain at MY hands!! ( it deserved two)

I am angry that my husband's family is so clueless and selfish about the life we live with James that they dont even bother see our side. I am angry that James will only have one set of grandparents that care and love him unconditionaly

I am angry that when we are invited to a playdate I have to do my homework to make sure James will have something that he can play on.

I am angry that people just dont get it.

Tonight I am ANGRY!

Jesus, I give you my anger. Please take it from my heart and my mind. I am powerless to do it on my own and I need you to free me from this tonight. Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice

5 comments:

I luv my Life as a Wife and Mommy

Aww Mama!! I am so sorry!! I will pray for you!! HUGS!! You know why I stare at James? Because he is SO darn cute!!!! :)

Sherrill

Understanding your anger - and praying that your peace be restored (and your joy also!)

Sweet Baby James

Thanks ladies that means a lot to me

Diane

I had a similar meltdown on Friday, and i feel a bit relieved now. It is good to give it up to the Lord. I understand where you are coming from, i ask myself the same questions you did.
I feel like i am the one to blame for my sons' condition.

AnonymousToastPirate

Oh MaryEllen... :(
You *will* get those milestones!! In fact, you get to have even more than other mothers!! You are going to be there when James walks by himself for the first time, just like other mothers. When he walks across the stage at graduation. When he walks his bride back up the church aisle.
And you know what? You will be able to appreciate them so much more than other mothers. You have the most wonderful, bright, and happy child I have ever known. A good 3/4 of the babysitting stories I tell people pretty much always involve James!
Both of you mean the world to me :)

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