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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This time Last year...

I made this post. I remember those feelings of fear. And look at James today. Today I watched him walked from a parking lot into the hospital to see our friends brand new baby sister. No wheelchair, no stroller. Just James walking. What will I say this time NEXT year? How will this new normal change us forever in the year to come.Josh and I are in the middle of making some very big decisions for our family. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I find that is this is why I love blogging because my heart is right there staring at me on the computer screen. I can see how far we have come from this time LAST year......



~We are 21 days away from having out lives change forever. 21 days until I allow a neurosurgeon to open up my son's spine and cut nerves.....How do I wrap my head around this? We have had our big fundraiser and that helped keep my mind off the surgery but now all I have is time to keep me busy and it isn't my friend. I have struggled with doubt and confusion over this surgery. I felt so confident about our decision when the surgery we 6 months away, but now that it is a short 21 days away the fear and doubt are keeping me up at night.
Last night I woke up at 3am and was gripped with utter fear. My mind was an enemy that I could not get away from. Every time I put James to bed I think to myself " Enjoy this moment because I might not get anymore" I look at his little smile during the day and think " How will I ever breath again if I cant see that fact anymore"
 
I know that God is in control but my fear of loosing the 1 child God has allowed me to raise here on this earth is controlling me right now. I don't really know how to escape from its grasp. I have even thought about cancelling the surgery. I of course didn't but because my head knows this is the best thing for James' future. I just cant seem to control this fear and pure terror of loosing James. Right now I am listening to him in his room name everything he can see just to try and keep himself awake during nap time, and the sound of his voice is literally what I dreamt about before he was born.

I am also so afraid of seeing him hooked up to machines and tubes coming out of him. When we brought him home from the NICU I had hoped that I would never have to seen tubes and vents and IVs ever again but here we are. My head knows that it isn't like the first time but my heart worries. I worry about the moment I turn him over to the nurses and to go into the OR. Will he cry, be scared? Will my get physically ill like I do when I think about that moment.
What about when he wakes up? Will I be able to comfort him if he is in pain. How bad will his pain be and will they be able to manage it quickly. Oh so many thoughts are happening to me just 21 days out.
Will you please pray for this Mommy's heart, and that I will be able to be strong for James. I want ease his fears but I cant control my own. Please pray that God will show me His peace. And MOST importantly, please pray for Dr. Park. Pray that he is well and that in these next 21 days he will healthy and that all the nurses that will touch my son will be rested and well.~

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