Happy Birthday Sweet Baby James

Today is a mix of emotions for me. I am torn between complete joy and utter fear. Of course the birth of my son was the most amazing and beautiful experience, even if it was such a surprise this day 3 years ago. I thought you might like to read the post I wrote while I was sitting all alone in my hospital room and James was in the NICU. Here is James' birth story.....


October 8, 2007

Well lets see where to start.........

Friday Oct. 5th I went in for my 32 weeks appointment. Not expecting anything out of the ordinary, but I happened to mention that James wasnt moving as much as he normally does that time of day. So the nurse said lets just double check, so they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and tracked his movements and heart rate for an hour.

Dr. Conrad came in and looked at the strip and said that everything looked just ok. Well my heart rate of course went WAY up because "just ok" wasnt what I wanted to hear. So Dr. Conrad took me into the ultrasound room to see what was going on. And I could tell that something wasnt right because he wasnt saying anything and he was moving the ultrasound wand around a lot. I asked what was wrong and he said that my fluid was low. Levels are supposed to be over 8cm and mine was 6.5cm so he said that he was putting me on bed rest for the weekend and that I had to come back in Monday first thing. He said to come prepared to go to the hospital to be induced. I just walked out of the office without asking any questions ( which is NOT like me).

I was in so much shock that I couldnt even think of anything to ask. I spent the weekend on bedrest and drank a swimming pool full of water! Josh and I pack everything up just in case, and Monday morning we went to the office. They hooked me up again to the fetal monitor and Josh and I sat in the little room just waiting.

Dr. Conrad came in again and this time I could see something wrong when he looked at the strip. He took us back to do another ultrasound and this time the levels were 3cm. The doctor sat down and told us that we are having our baby today because my water has broken. He said that I had a very high and slow break that has been leaking for probably a week. He sent us straight to the hospital for induction.

We got to the hospital at about 12 noon and were admitted for the induction. The started pitocin wide open as soon as I got in the bed. At this point I was very high closed and as green as can be. At this point the Neonatologist came in to talk to me about what was going to happen. He told me all about the vaginal delivery process because that is what we thought was going to happen. Josh and I were nervous but felt that we were in good hands and and family and friends started to show up it felt just like a normal labor.

After about an hour in the Pitocin I started to feel the contractions some. But I was able to handle them and James was doing well so we kept going. I was even able to take a little nap during this time. Josh and I talked and played cards for about another hour then the BIG contractions started to hit. I was proud of myself at how I was able to breath through them. They were coming every 2 minutes at this point and were very strong. The nurse came in and checked me and I was 1cm and 50% and -2 station. So the pitocin was working and I was progressing fairly quickly.

At 5:00pm Dr. Conrad came in to check me. And I was 3cm and 100% but James's heart rate was started to dip. Dr. Conrad sat on the edge of the bed and told me that he wasnt liking what was going on with the baby. He said that his heart rate was dipped like it would at the end of labor and that he didnt think James could handle several more hours of labor. He wanted to do an emergency c-section. I started to cry and at this point I was terrified. I was terrified for James and for having a c-section. I was so happy to see my Mom's face as they were wheeling me back. But I knew that Huntsville Hospital is a wonderful hospital with top notch doctors and a brand new state of the art NICU .

So at 6:00 I was in the OR They gave me a spinal epi at 6:10 and in 8 minutes James was out! 4lbs 8 oz and 17 inches long. I heard the smallest cry ever, but it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. They showed him to me for a quick kiss and Josh was able to carry him to the NICU. I will never forget the doctor and nurse talking about thier new boat and lake house while they sewed me back up. It felt like I wasnt even in the room. I wasnt feeling any physical pain but my heart had just been taken out of the room and whisked away where I couldnt see.

While I was in the recovery room Josh came back down and showed me the pictures and video of James's first moments in the world. He scored a 7 on is apgar and was put under the oxygen tent right away. By the time that they wheeled me to the NICU to see him they had put him on the ventilator and started IVs and monitors. All the emotion of the day flooded me at this point and I fell apart, but I was also so happy to see his sweet little face. It was a day that was scary, but yet the happiest day of my life.

As I sit here in my hospital bed, I cant help but wonder when I will get to hold my baby. His little face was such a blur as they took him away from me. All those wires and tubes coming out of him make him look so much smaller than he already is. All they let me touch was his little foot, and that just doesnt seem like enough. Doesnt he need to know I am here. I feel like he has been ripped from the only safe place he has know, but I guess it wasnt so safe after all. I just feel so guilty that my body has betrayed him. I just want him to be safe and in my arms.

I dont know when I will get to hold him but I hope it is soon. They have told me that they have started a drug into his vent to open up his lungs. I pray that there aren't any bad side effects from having to be on the vent and the drugs they are giving him. Nurse just came into help me down to go see him. I will update soon!




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As I re-read that birth story, I am struck by just how simple I thought it was all going to be. I thought I we would bring a baby home in 3-5 days and it would all just be a story we told him. Little did I know that the next 30 days would be hard but they are just the beginning of James' story.

A letter to James on your 3rd Birthday,

Wow! These past 3 years have flown by. It seems like my last breath you were this teeny tiny little baby that was the size of a beanie baby. You have overcome so many obstacles in a short 3 years. This year you have amazed me even further. I am so proud of you James. I proud to be called your mother. I fill up with joy and pride when people comment on how beautiful you are and your wonderful personality.

At 3 years old you have more determination in your little body than I have seen in most grown adults. When I take you to physical therapy everyday, I know you would rather be home playing with your toys, drawing, or watching a Blue's clues, but you go with a smile on your face. You work so hard everyday to just do simple tasks but yet you still find the humor in life to giggle and laugh. Some days I wish I could just curl up with you on the bed and we could watch movies all day. I hope that you know that Mommy is trying to do my very best job at helping you be an independent adult. I know you get frustrated but thank you for working through it and fighting on.

You have touched so many lives this year. You have been in 2 newspapers, on the local news, and had a whole community came to your carnival. It must be the smile!! Your Daddy and I love you for all that you are now and all that we know you will become! There has never been one second of one day that I have not loved all of you. I know that this life might be harder for you because of your legs but I know that if any child can overcome and make the best of it, that is YOU! Me and Daddy will always be your cheerleaders.

Today you turn 3 years old, and I hope that you are having a wonderful day. I hope that this year brings so many wonderful things for our family. Last year we got to watch you take your first steps. I cant wait to see what you do this year!!

I love you Sweet Baby James!
Mommy