I wonder?

Do you ever wonder if people listen to their own words that come out of their mouths? I sure do. I wonder frequently if they hear themselves and wish they could shove those words back inside. but are just too embarrassed to say "oops that didnt sound right". Maybe they realize, but figure they are out now so just go with it? Hummm???

 This really isnt directed at one particular person but instead a collage of several experiences I have had.  I find myself feeling embarrassed for the other person most of the time. I see that flash across their face when the wonder if the word "handicap" will offend me, Or as they reach a part of the sentence, and struggle with what word to use next to describe my son. I just stand there. Inside I want to share our whole life story. How James is a miracle even to be here at all. How we went through so many years of infertility treatments and about the children aches to hold but are waiting for us in heaven.  I know that will only make things worse because then they REALLY dont know what to say. So instead I just smile and usually nod as they label my son, ask if he is smart, or offer some advice about how their aunt twice removed had a "handicapped" child. *Sigh*

My favorite is when someone really wants to know what is "wrong" with James. Some come out and just ask that exact question, but most dance around the question in hopes that I will let it slip.  Other just stare. I have even had people tell me that James' condition is my fault because I must have not gotten good pre-natal care. If they only knew.

How to handle those looks or words even if well meaning? The quick answer is I dont know. God has some work to do with me in this area.  All I do know is that I pray for God to give me wisdom to use this journey He has set us on as a way to further his Kingdom. My fear is that the guilt Satan tries to tie me down  with is keeping me from seeing the openings to witness that God is giving me. I know that James has been given to Josh and I to raise for a reason. People are drawn to him where ever we go.  I watched James walk into church this morning and as I saw everyone staring at him in his walker I saw it from fresher eyes. The look of Joy they had to see this little guy work so hard to walk and  have such determination made me re evaluate my responses. So tonight my prayer is that tomorrow God will help me to be strong. To hold my tounge so that He can do work through me.

Not exactly an Easter post, I guess, but this is what is on my heart tonight. I am making more of an effort to get back to blogging my heart and not just updates and things I" think" people want to hear about.