If today were different

If today was different, what would it look like? Would I be holding a new born baby girl or another beautiful baby boy?

If today were different, would you have your daddy's long eyelashes?

If today were different, would you use your tiny fingers to hold tightly onto my thumb?

If today were different, would I be rocking you to sleep in my arms and smell the sweetness of your skin?

If today were different, would James be a big brother?

But today isnt different, and my arms ache for you. A child that no one else even remembers existed.  

A child that I never even knew.

A child that was wanted and loved the second we first heard your heartbeat. Even for that brief period of time that you were with us. A child that I had dreams for even if you were just with us for 14 weeks.

Today is the same day on the calendar that I penciled in the date that you were supposed to arrive. 

Today is supposed to be different.

But it isnt.